The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian 2
by Cloister Black
Summary: The epic battle for Narbia reaches a boiling point in this seat-of-your-pants thriller! A fan must-read!
1. Chapter 1

It was a pleasant day in Narnia. Except for the battle. Bizarrely freakish humanoid animals had showed up from all over the land in a desperate last stand against their suspiciously Arab-looking oppressors. There were rabbits and sheep and cows, ducks and rats and crows, and all manner of other abhorrently cute little vermin. 'Twas truly a sight to be seen.

Their opposition was no less impressive. They stood in wide rows, their armor gleaming splendidly in the fine summer sun. They held their halberds at attention, their pikes at the ready, and there was nary a flaccid bodkin in the bunch, if you know what I mean. They glared across the field at the animal horde, daring the fiends to poop on their lawn or lick their naughty areas. (I hope you knew well enough to assume the right antecedent for that "their" there, you pervert)

As the two armies prepared to beat the crap out of each other, Prince Caspian and the four other kids were on the way to go meet Jesus, who in Narnia was also a lion. They were certain that Jesus would grant them the divine providence necessary to vanquish their dastardly Arabesque foes, because Jesus was way cool. And so they trekked through entire yards of bizarrely bland forested area before they came upon the clearing.

Prince Caspian stepped forward and said some things, and those other four kids watched him do it. They were also kings of Narnia, which technically put them above Prince Caspian in the Narnia rankings, but two of them were girls so they brought the average down. Anyway, Prince Caspian finished his holy prayer for Jesus and then they waited.

Half an hour later, they were still waiting.

Finally, one of the kids said "Gosh and golly gee! Why is he so LATE," and she kicked a rock out of anger.

The rock collided with a nearby ridge, which caused a number of other rocks to fall as well. The youths watched expectantly as a hidden cave was revealed before their very eyes! Surely, this was the hideaway of Jesus.

One of them poked their head inside to find a small, dank hollow, barely five feet deep in any direction.

"Well topping ho," said the oldest of the kids. "Narnia is certainly lacking in whimsical wonder this morning, wot wot."

Just then, as they were preparing to leave disheartened, they heard a sound from behind them! All of them turned around to see a most unusual sight.

There was a young-looking man approaching them, carrying along with him a bizarre sort of two-wheeled cart. His black hair was tied up in what could only be a topknot wig, and he wore a simple seafoam-colored robe and sandals. Riding in the cart was a much older man, similarly garbed, but with an impressive hat and a grey beard nearly half a foot long. He carried with him a large fan with splendid feathers, and was quite the magnificent sight.

"Ni hao," said the younger man, setting down the cart. "I'm Chinese Jesus."

The kids were quite taken aback by this development. Jesus was a lion, not an Asian! They gaped at the new arrivals, too stunned to respond.

"So what, I thought you guys summoned me," said Chinese Jesus, expectantly. He had a distinct Mandarin accent, although his Narnian was also perfect. He walked over to Prince Caspian to get a better look. "You sure you need help?"

Prince Caspian regained himself. "Yes, o holy one." He genuflected, and seeing him do so caused the other kids to do the same. "We thank you for answering us."

Chinese Jesus looked a little embarrassed. "Yeah, no problem. So what you guys need?"

The oldest of the kids was the one to respond this time. "We ask you to grant us the power to vanquish our foes and restore Narnia!"

At this, most of them got up and cheered. Chinese Jesus was not sure why they did that, but to each their own. What they wanted was a little confusing, though. "You want to vanquish people?" he frowned. "That doesn't sound very nice."

"But we must, o lord! In the name of Narnia!" cried Prince Caspian.

They all cheered again, and the sound the little girl made was truly frightening.

"You sure you don't just want a pork fried rice?" asked Chinese Jesus, who gestured towards a couple of takeout bags that he seemed to have suddenly acquired. "I brought lunch."

At this point, the man still sitting on the cart spoke up, slowly dismounting himself. "Perhaps I can be of assistance, my lord."

Chinese Jesus turned around and blinked. "Oh yeah, forgot to mention. This is Kongming, a very well respected official. The heavens willed that he come with me today."

Kongming nodded, slowly approaching with his fan in hand. "I have studied your situation closely, Prince of Narnia. If it is victory you seek, ask me three times and I will help you."

A confused expression came over Prince Caspian's face. "Three times?"

"Yes."

He cleared his throat. "Noble sir, I am most grateful for your offer. Will you please aid us in liberating our kingdom?"

Kongming closed his eyes, then opened them. Then he looked at some trees.

"If you have any way of helping us, will you please do so?"

Kongming continued to not respond.

"Um, will you please help us?"

At this, the old man said, "With this third question, allow me to respond." He sighed briefly. "I have prepared a great many strategies for your struggle, both today and in the future." He pointed his fan at nothing in particular. "The road ahead… will be long," he turned to point his fan at Caspian. "But the destination… is certain."

At this, all the kids cheered again. The conversation had wandered back into familiar ground.

Chinese Jesus had long since begun eating his lunch, which was magically warm even after having been carried into the mortal plane. But at the resolution of this particular confrontation, he engaged himself once more. "Wait, so you guys didn't want enlightenment? You wanted to kill a bunch of people?"

"They are enemies of the land!" shrieked the little girl. She certainly had some lungs on her. Some of the other kids muttered agreement.

"And you're cool with this?" Chinese Jesus asked, turning to Kongming.

"It is the will of heaven. This path has been chosen for us." replied Kongming, looking off into the distance.

"Yeah, okay." Chinese Jesus muttered, going back to his pork. Heaven got some pretty funky ideas sometimes.


	2. Chapter 2

Prince Caspian, his compatriots, Chinese Jesus and Kongming all made for the battlefield as soon as possible, but their progress through the wood was slow going. They had not one horse between them, and when the eldest of the children asked Him why he could not simply conjure some, Chinese Jesus replied: "Very truly, I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them. If you know these things, you are blessed if you do them." It had seemed that that was not entirely relevant, but it was Jesus who said it so there would be no argument. Perhaps its significance would be understood later.

Anyway, when they at last arrived at the Narnian camp, they found it was not a moment too soon. A bear lumbered up to them, and bowed most graciously to his highness. As it was a bear, this motion was kind of awkward.

"General Woren sends his apologies, your grace," the bear uttered, its eyes focused on Caspian. "He was unable to wait any longer and has taken the field."

Caspian fiddled with his nose hairs, thinking. "Will that be a difficulty, Lord Kongming?"

Kongming ejected himself from the rickshaw with surprising bounce for a man his age. "I do not believe so, my lord," he said, turning towards the battlefield. His eyes studied the two forces for a few moments, and then he raised his fan to cover his face. "But, let us begin. We must capture a neutral base and launch a fire attack."

His highness looked a little puzzled by that statement, but he left to direct Kongming to their base regardless. This left Chinese Jesus alone with Caspian's posse.

"So, what's with that bear?" he asked. "It doesn't look like it's working properly."

The littlest girl looked shocked by his question. "Why, all the animals of Narnia are like that! It's a wondrous fairytale land!"

"Oh, ok." replied Chinese Jesus, tugging at his beard pensively. These were good kids, but they seemed like they were completely bonkers. That's kids nowadays, eh?

Oh, well. It was his duty to lead them on the right path. He looked up and said, "I don't think I ever got your names."

The girl on the right looked like she was about to respond when suddenly a war horn sounded. A short look across the field showed that the enemy was beginning to move, and the atmosphere changed completely. All four kids ran off to do Chinese Jesus knows what and the man himself was left standing next to an empty rickshaw with several cold portions of pork fried rice.

_You shouldn't waste food_, he thought to himself as he carried the stuff into the cave that the Narnians had made their base. There were rabbits and badgers running around all over the place, and he had to be careful not to roll over anything because he WAS Jesus after all. He figured he'd just wait this one out until he got orders from the top, since he still didn't know what he was supposed to be doing. _Worst case scenario_, he thought, _everyone dies and we need to do a cheapo mass resurrection. Maybe by then they'll be ready for enlightenment_.

Meanwhile, on the battlefield, things had become very tense for the Narnians. They were outnumbered three to one, and the sky's pallor portended a pretty prickly predicament. General Dan Woren sat mounted at the head of the largest Narnian column, made up of around a thousand armored bunnies. It should go without saying that this was rather silly. General Woren himself was an almost entirely bald man in his fifties, wearing shining green armor made of the finest Narnium and a hat that would make the Sultan of Kumar jealous. However, right now, he was mostly nervous. It looked like they were about to be slaughtered.

Prince Caspian rode up and shouted a few quick and pointless instructions to make it look like he was doing things. General Woren, keeping his eyes on the advancing foes, advised an immediate withdrawal. But Caspian would have none of it. "Woren, if we back down now those Narbians will be pushing us around forever! We must make a stand, in the name of the rightful king!" With this, he turned around to see the regiment of armored bunnies cheering. But still, they were pretty small and stuff. And pink. General Woren was all for virtue, but there was a time for everything. Now was the time to escape with their lives.

And so as the Narbian army advanced, Woren and Caspian together charged into the enemy ranks, along with those four kids from earlier. They had some rabbits and badgers and bears charging with them, but they really weren't that much help. Woren cut down his fair share of Narbians, and accidentally hit a badger in the face (oops) but in his heart he held the dread of their impending doom.

And it seemed that that dread was well founded. Two of Caspian's little friends were unhorsed and instantly trampled, so that was probably it for them. A third of them had her fletching arm attacked by what looked like a feral possum, and it wasn't really clear what was going on there. Woren helped as best as he could, but this really wasn't a job for kids and he took a bad hit on the shoulder. Finally, Caspian's horse collapsed from a particularly deep halberd wound, and Woren lunged for the attacker. But, it was too late, there was no way he would make it in time...

Then, suddenly, a root flung into the fray and whisked the surprised Caspian away from danger! It was a surprise to his eyes; a wonder that corrected his blunder! Desperately curious, he looked up to see trees waddling across the battlefield at great speed!

"I see that I am truly loved by the trees!" he shouted, overcome with relief. Some part of him knew that the trees would deliver them from their desperate situation, batty though it may sound. And, indeed, as the walking trees crashed against the Narbian lines a new vigor arose in the Narnian forces, which were acting less cute and more rabid at this point. Rabbits flung themselves at the helmets of Narbian soldiers, using their protruding front teeth to dig into the noses of men and devour their cartlidge whole. It was really quite disgusting, but it got the job done.

The Narbians looked as though they were in truly dire straits, but then suddenly, the smell of burning wood filled the air. General Woren and Prince Caspian looked on in shock as their allies the trees lit up in glowing crimson and began to fall on the Narbians, much to the dismay of the latter. This was finally too much for the Narbian King to bear, and he ordered a full retreat lest his army be obliterated in a full rout. The vibrant orange crackling of the falling trees was truly a sight to behold, and Dan Woren thanked Lion Jesus that the battle was over.

It was only after the battle, when he had met the man Kongming, that he learned the meaning of the words "fire attack." And learned to fear the man with the crane feather fan.


End file.
